The Squid Conversation: Getting Past the Threat of Financial Conversations

Do you know what a squid does when it feels threatened? 

It releases ink to cloud the water around it so it can’t be seen. The ink also has chemicals in it that can compromise the senses of whatever is threatening the squid.  

The squid doesn’t fight. It doesn’t chase. It just confuses the predator so it can hide in its ink cloud or escape. Either way, the squid doesn’t have to deal with whatever is threatening it. 

We’re not so different from squids when we’re feeling threatened by conversations about money. Money is a topic that’s tied with so many emotions. Talking about money could bring up feelings of fear, control, or shame. And those can all lead to somebody feeling threatened.  

I’ve seen with many clients how they shut down, get defensive, or hide behind other topics when they start to feel threatened in a money conversation. When it takes this turn, I call it the “squid conversation.” 

Here’s an example of what a squid conversation looks like:  

Partner 1: “Can we talk about our retirement accounts? I’m getting concerned that we haven’t done enough to plan for retirement.”  

Partner 2: “We are doing fine. You know I survived two tours in Iraq? I am lucky to be alive right now! We should just enjoy every day because tomorrow isn’t promised.”  

Partner 2 was releasing ink. Partner 1 was confused, felt guilty, and didn’t pursue the conversation any further. How do you argue with somebody who is lucky to be alive?  

Another reason I call this the squid conversation is because squid species have both tentacles and arms—eight arms and two tentacles to be exact. To me, these tentacles and arms represent the different directions we are pulled and different priorities we have—which all contribute to making financial conversations difficult.  

Empower research found that 62 percent of people avoid or don’t have conversations about money. And about 46 percent of people say they don’t have conversations about money with their spouse or partner.  

We’ve got to change that. An exercise I developed to help my clients can do just that. I developed it to help my clients address the issues that are most urgent to them with limited friction.  

Getting On the Same Page with the Squid Conversation 

I can spot a squid conversation from a mile away. But it might take you some practice. A squid conversation is present when there’s an argument about money, when you’re having a conversation about money and you keep revisiting the same topic but making no progress, or when one partner shuts down or changes the subject.  

And in those moments, you can use the squid conversation tool. This tool is to help you be aware of the issue and reset. It’s an understanding tool. There are 6 steps to having a squid conversation:  

Step 1: Name the moment (not the problem). When you are having a money conversation with your partner that shifts, identify the moment it shifted. Ask yourself: at what point did this conversation stop feeling safe? When did the tone of this conversation change? It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong, it’s about identifying when the squid ink was released.  

Step 2: Identify the ink. Figure out what the squid ink is. In the opening example, it was Partner 2’s bringing up surviving the war so that he didn’t have to talk about retirement planning. Other examples include shutting down, getting defensive, making jokes, bringing up old issues, changing the subject, or saying that it isn’t the right time to have this conversation.   

In this moment, it’s important that you don’t blame whoever released the ink. Don’t correct them or explain to them what they did wrong, this is for awareness.  

Step 3: Connect the defense to the feeling. Each of you should identify what emotion was prevalent in the moment before the defense. In the opening example, Partner 1 might say that she was feeling worried about retirement. And Partner 2 might say he was overwhelmed at the prospect of talking about retirement.  

Step 4: Identify the threat. Ask yourselves: what about this conversation made it feel threatening? Was it because one or both of you felt out of control? Trapped? Like you were being judged? Like you weren’t enough?  

Step 5: Normalize the squid response. Make sure to normalize that the squid response is a natural response. This exercise is to help you be aware when it happens and redirect the conversation.  

Step 6: Rescript the response. Choose one sentence you can use the next time you feel a squid response coming on. For example, you can use, “I’m starting to feel overwhelmed,” or “I’m feeling defensive,” or “Can we pause and come back to this?”  

Proactive Action and Self Reflection 

I recently wrote about how important it is for couples to identify and rank order their values and have a vision for their lives. That’s important because you always use your values and vision as motivation and as a guiding star to make decisions.  

The squid conversation is designed to help you be proactive for future instances when a squid reaction comes on. It’s about taking the opportunity to find your own solutions through self-reflection.  

But if you need help or guidance doing this exercise, please get in touch with me at info@louisbarajas.com. I’d love to help you or connect you with one of my trained Corazon Financial Advocates, who can help you through this exercise.